


Everything With Wings

by TonySawicki



Category: Dir en grey
Genre: Butterflies, Established Relationship, I don't know this fic has very little substance, Introspection, Light Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-03
Updated: 2017-11-03
Packaged: 2019-01-28 21:14:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12615648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TonySawicki/pseuds/TonySawicki
Summary: Kyo reflects on his relationship with Die, addressing the worrying thoughts he's been having that he might be holding Die back.





	Everything With Wings

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! So I might have told someone the next Dir thing I was posting would be Kk, which this is not, but it's just a little tiny kinda fluffy thoughtful thing I wanted to get out. The Kk is still on the way.

As yet another butterfly made its way past him, Kyo was struck, as he so often was, with the dual desires of wanting to touch it—to study it and feel that kind of beauty against his fingertips—and wanting to stay as far from something so lovely as possible, so he couldn’t mar it or do it any damage. He knew better than to try to get his hands on something so fragile—or he _should_ have known better.

That so-called wisdom hadn’t stopped him from pursuing this thing with Die, and where had it gotten them? What had he truly thought would happen if he and Die got together? Die was the butterfly and Kyo had reached for him greedily, thoughtlessly, even knowing they couldn’t fully belong to the same world.

He should have considered the harm he might do to something so elegantly beautiful, but he had been selfish as always, never thinking how he might tear Die’s wings, breaking his bright but delicate spirit and keeping him from flying away, onto greener pastures and more vibrant wildflowers.

Kyo shifted on his bench, looking down at the blank notebook page in his lap. This thought process wouldn’t do for inspiration; he’d written about butterflies before, and anyway, he wasn’t quite at a point where he could admit to feeling regretful about being with Die.

About _loving_ Die.

Perhaps he should have just been happy that it had lasted as long as it had. Wasn’t it surprising enough that it hadn’t fizzled out much earlier? Instead he’d had eight months. _Eight months_ to keep the flickering heartbeat of wings in his clutches and feel warmed by Die’s light.

Maybe it _could_ have even lasted longer, but after the party they’d been to the other night, Kyo couldn’t, in good conscience, keep ignoring all the signs that he was only holding Die back.

They had gone, naturally, at Die’s insistence, and Die had seemed so pleasantly surprised when Kyo initially agreed that Kyo couldn’t very well back out later when he thought about it and remembered how much he disliked social events of that nature.

Still, he’d tried to find things in it that appealed to him as well. It was a Halloween party, and costumes were encouraged, so Kyo went all out, spent most of the afternoon doing his makeup in excruciating detail. Die was thrilled when he came to pick him up, embracing him instead of offering his usual kiss, in an effort to not smudge anything.

“Can you tell what I am?” Die asked, striking a pose.

Kyo looked him up and down uncertainly. He was dressed nicely, in a button-up and slacks, but it didn’t seem like much of a costume.

Die pulled a pair of wire-rimmed glasses from his shirt pocket and put them on, smiling at Kyo like he’d just given it away.

Kyo stared at him.

“I’m a doctor!” Die said enthusiastically.

“Ah.”

“But I don’t have a stethoscope,” Die said, a crease between his brows. “You don’t have one lying around?”

Kyo thought about it and shook his head. “I’m afraid not.”

“That’s all right,” Die said, waving a hand as he started back out of Kyo’s apartment. “You don’t think it’s a good costume. I know it’s not really _scary_ …”

“I think the idea of you as a doctor is plenty frightening,” Kyo assured him. He locked up and headed for the stairs.

Die snorted. “Fuck you. I was pressed for time.”

“I’m sure it’s fine,” Kyo said. “I just don’t know if people will know what you are.”

“I have a lab coat in the car,” Die said.

“Oh,” Kyo said, blinking. “Well, that seems like a pretty key component of the costume.”

“Yeah, I just didn’t want to wear it up to your place.”

“Then you’re gonna be easy to recognize. Me, on the other hand…” Kyo frowned. His costume, while basically perfect for what it was, was a relatively obscure character from a Sci-Fi movie that not many people were familiar with.

“Oh, please, you look amazing,” Die said as they arrived at his car. “Besides, anyone who doesn’t know what you’re supposed to be isn’t worth taking the time to talk to anyway.”

Kyo was smiling as he got into the car. Even if Die was just saying that, Kyo loved him for it, and took some comfort in knowing even if no one else got his costume at all, Die appreciated it, and he was the main person who mattered anyway.

The drive was relatively short, and they’d hardly walked into the party when someone Kyo didn’t know was grabbing Die by the arm, pulling him over to talk. It was so loud in the venue that Kyo couldn’t make out what they were saying, so he just stood awkwardly by, unsure if he should wait for Die or just expect him to catch up when he was done chatting.

When Die came back to him with an apologetic grimace, he headed straight for the bar.

“Who was that?” Kyo asked, hurrying to keep up with Die’s longer strides.

“Hm? Oh, I don’t know,” Die said, and ordered his drink. “She was just asking about my costume. Do you want something to drink, too? Soda, water…?”

Kyo shook his head, and turned to look at the crowd, already regretting being there. No one had so much as looked at him so far, and yet he felt smothered by the sheer quantity of strangers.

“See anyone you want to talk to?” Die asked, following Kyo’s gaze. He took a sip of his drink as his eyes scanned the room.

“No,” Kyo said honestly. “But if you want to talk to someone, you’re—”

Before Kyo could finish his sentence, a rather flamboyantly gay man was tapping Die’s shoulder, then leaning in to say something in his ear.

Kyo gaped as Die’s face split into a grin and he thrust his glass into Kyo’s hands.

“Hold this for me,” he said, and rushed off through the crowd, his arm around the other man.

Kyo didn’t really know how to react. He was too stunned to be outraged, so he just stood there, staring down at Die’s barely-touched drink in his hand. It was his first of the night, so there was no way Kyo could try to imagine maybe Die’s judgment was clouded by an excessive alcohol intake. Maybe it was a swingers’ party and Kyo just hadn’t noticed? Die _had_ seemed surprised by Kyo’s willingness to attend…

Somewhere around there, Die returned, taking his glass from Kyo with a sigh. “Sorry about that.”

Kyo couldn’t think of anything to say.

“He needed help talking to that unicorn over there,” Die said, nodding towards a guy in a full unicorn bodysuit. The man Die had left with was talking animatedly with him.

“Oh,” Kyo said. “I thought you were just collecting phone numbers or something.”

Die’s eyes went wide. “ _What_? No! I was wingman!”

“I didn’t know what was going on,” Kyo said with a shrug.

Die wasn’t going to let it be shrugged off though, and he looked seriously at Kyo, hurt evident in his eyes as he said, “You really think I’d do that?”

Kyo shrugged again. “I don’t know. This isn’t my scene, and I…” He trailed off, not sure he could speak the rest of his thought aloud. It was the first time in the evening that Kyo had had that distinct feeling of not wanting to be the one holding Die back.

From there, the feeling hadn’t ever really faded.

“I’m here with _you_ ,” Die said firmly. He gave Kyo a gentle nudge. “You wanna dance?”

_No, I want to go home_ , Kyo thought, but he nodded, and followed Die to the dance floor.

Two more people stopped them on the way to compliment Die’s costume, and chat him up.

It continued on this way the entire night. No one bothered to give Kyo a second glance, but Kyo lost count of how many people came up to Die with some inane comment or another. It was amusing at first, how Die kept trying to introduce Kyo to people and get them to admire his makeup, but Kyo was increasingly aware of how differently Die’s night could be going if he weren’t there, and soon his guilt was eating away at him like so many flesh-devouring bacteria.

The guilt had really solidified when Die ran into some old friend he hadn’t been expecting to see, hugging him so hard he practically had his legs wrapped around him. The subsequent introduction of Kyo had felt purely obligatory, and just made Kyo wish he’d stayed home so he wouldn’t be cramping Die’s style. As Die stood there, trying to explain to his friend all the ways in which Kyo’s makeup was spot-on, Kyo tugged awkwardly at his costume, wanting to disappear more than anything. He never liked people looking at him as he stood around in public, ridiculous as he knew that sounded, coming from him.

_Pulling at costumes like pulling at skin_

_Where does one end and the other begin?_

Kyo glared down at the words on the page, not necessarily liking them for anything, but not quite ready to cross them out yet. He looked around him at some of the flowers that were blooming bravely through the chill of the air, and felt glad he’d taken his allergy medicine in the morning. Still, he pulled his mask up his nose, almost unconsciously, as he watched insects buzzing around the garden.

The party hadn’t gone on all night—or if it had, Die and Kyo and missed most of it, having left well before eleven pm. After that first drink, Die had spent the whole event not touching alcohol at all so he would be clear to drive them home at the end. All things considered, it hadn’t been a _bad_ night.

And yet, Kyo still couldn’t shake that feeling, that Die would have been able to enjoy himself much more if Kyo hadn’t been there. That maybe this was just a smaller representation of their entire lives, Kyo desperately clinging to Die, keeping him where he was, with him, instead of letting him be free and glorious and loved by countless others.

“Did you have a good time?” Die had asked back at Kyo's apartment, leaning against the doorframe of the bathroom as Kyo scrubbed layers of makeup from his face.

Kyo had made sure to keep his pause short before answering, “Yeah, it was good.” He couldn’t quite meet Die’s eyes, and only felt worse when he saw him smiling broadly.

“Good! I’m glad.”

They hadn’t discussed it any further than that, but Kyo’s thoughts didn’t stop swirling around, just like the murky water, thick with eyeshadow and powder, running down the drain.

_Washing off makeup and plucking off wings_

_Must one voice fall silent when another sings?_

A shadow fell over the page and Kyo looked up from his notebook to find Die standing there, head tilted.

“Am I late?” Die asked.

Kyo shook his head, closing the notebook. “I just came early, tried to get some writing done.”

“And did you?”

Kyo shrugged. “A little.”

“This is a great spot,” Die said, moving to sit on the bench beside Kyo. “It’s beautiful here this time of year, at least since it’s not raining.”

“It is,” Kyo agreed. He fidgeted with his pen for a moment and then tucked it into a pocket of his messenger bag, just so it would be out of his hands. “Die… I actually wanted to talk to you.”

“I figured,” Die said. “But about what?”

“The party we went to, the other night…”

“Oh, _that_ ,” Die said, and sighed shaking his head. “I did not know it was going to be like that. I have to admit, I was relieved when you said you’d had a good time, because I felt like I was on the verge of an anxiety attack the entire night.”

“You did?” Kyo looked at him, puzzled. “Because of me?”

“Because of—? No! Because of all those _people_ ,” Die said. “You know I’m no good in crowded places. Having you there was the only thing keeping me together.”

“But it was a party,” Kyo said. “What did you think it would be like?”

“Smaller? With more people I knew, and fewer people randomly talking to me?” Die said. “Didn’t you think it was strange? I couldn’t believe more people weren’t coming and talking to _you_ , when your makeup was incredible—”

“I’m pretty sure they were mostly coming up to you to hit on you,” Kyo said.

Die looked somewhat surprised by that, but recovered quickly to say, “Even if that’s the case, they should have been hitting on _you_. Everyone knows you’re the favorite.”

Kyo snorted. “Not as far as I’m concerned. And I don’t think anyone recognized me as _me_ when I was in costume.”

“Maybe not,” Die said. “But I was so pissed that no one could tell who you were supposed to be, either. It was such a good costume!”

“I mean, I thought so.”

Die smiled at him. “I’m really lucky to have you, you know. There’s no one else I’d rather go to an uncomfortable Halloween party with.”

Kyo swallowed uneasily. “You didn’t feel like… like I was holding you back?”

Die’s brow furrowed. “Not at all. I felt like we were side by side.”

“I’m not sure it felt the same way to me,” Kyo admitted.

Die studied him for a long moment and then said, “You didn’t really have a good time, did you?”

“Not especially, no,” Kyo said guiltily.

“Why didn’t you just tell me?” Die said. “If you were uncomfortable, we could have left way earlier.”

“I didn’t want to be that guy,” Kyo said, rubbing nervously at his upper arms. It seemed to have gotten colder just in the few minutes they’d been talking. “You were seeing so many friends and enjoying yourself, and I didn’t want to take that away from you. I never want to be the one keeping you from doing and being everything you want.”

“And you never are,” Die said at once. “I would tell you if I felt that way, Kyo. I wanted you there, but if you didn’t want to be there, you only had to say so. I don’t want you doing something that makes you unhappy just because you think it will please me. I’d rather we do something we _both_ like, together.”

“You would have been able to have more fun, if I hadn’t been there,” Kyo said, feeling like Die wasn’t getting his point.

“If you hadn’t been there, I probably would have ended up feeling overwhelmed and crying in the bathroom,” Die said. “Or drinking the whole night, just to keep myself from being an anxious mess, and having to take a cab all the way home.”

Kyo paused. “So you really think your night was better with me there?”

“My everything is better with you there,” Die said firmly. “I feel that I’ve been doing something wrong, if you don’t know that.”

“It’s not your fault,” Kyo said, shaking his head. “I’ll try harder to know it.”

Die chuckled at that, and reached to take Kyo’s hand and squeeze it. “You’re freezing!” he said in some alarm. “How long have you been sitting out here?”

“I’m not really sure,” Kyo said. “I was lost in thought.”

“Well, come on, let’s go get dinner and warm you up.” Die stood up from the bench and took off his scarf to wrap around Kyo’s neck. 

Kyo was just putting his notebook back into his bag and standing as well when Die pointed to a shrub nearby.

“Look! There are so many butterflies around here!”

“I know, I’ve been seeing them,” Kyo said.

“But look at that one,” Die said, still pointing. “See its wings? They’re all battered and messed up. It must be one that already migrated and made its way back here.”

“Should’ve gone somewhere warmer,” Kyo muttered.

“Butterflies are actually cool,” Die said. “A lot of them have much longer lifespans than we tend to think.”

Kyo stood up and put his bag over his shoulder before really looking at the butterfly Die was so fascinated by. Now that he looked, he really could see that its wings were beaten up, and yet it was still fluttering around as free and beautiful as any of its companions.

“They seem like these wispy, fragile little things, but they’re a lot tougher than we give them credit for,” Die said. “I guess there’s a tendency to underestimate the strength of anything _pretty_ , but that one right there’s proof that something delicate can go through hardships and still be strong enough to come out the other side, radiant and flying.”

Kyo looked from the creature in question to Die’s face. It was half-hidden by his own mask, but there was nothing but honesty in his eyes, and Kyo realized how off-base he’d been with all of his thoughts from earlier. Yes, Die was beautiful, inside and out, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t strong enough to fly away from Kyo on his own if that was what he wanted. And any damage done wasn’t the end; humans and insects alike could learn to live with scars, and often whatever had gotten them hurt had still been worth doing in the first place.

“Let’s go eat,” Kyo said, wrapping his arm around one of Die’s. “Thanks for meeting me here.”

Die looked down at him with crinkled eyes. “Of course. Thanks for coming to that lousy party with me.”

“It wasn’t even a bad party,” Kyo said, huffing out a laugh.

“Well, I’ll make sure the next one we go to will be better, how’s that,” Die said, as they started down the path to lead them out of the public garden.

“Ugh, the _next_ one…”

Die laughed, nudging Kyo with his elbow. “I said it would be better!”

Kyo squeezed Die’s arm a little tighter, his heart feeling a thousand times freer than it had since the other night. He could hold onto Die as much as he liked with the knowledge that Die wasn’t trapped in his clutches. If butterflies had longer lifespans than he realized, maybe his relationship with Die could, too, and at the very least, he was determined to enjoy it while it lasted.


End file.
